whitewashed

2008-11-19T23:37:00.002+08:00

Oh Yey The End

2008-10-17T14:27:00.001+08:00

I feel like I've been dating Audrey a lot these days. Hahahahaha so... feel free to envy me! Mwahahaha

Rubbing off on borrowed glitter - is this called hu jia hu wei? :p

2008-10-17T14:22:00.002+08:00

Regret, anxiety, doubt.

So I escape (for a while) before reality pulls me back. Then my mind is fogged again and I get high on... Patapon?

I wish I wasn't so perverse, absurdist and destructive sometimes. I really do care you know.

Living in this secluded bubble - but the harrowing thing is, would there be anything still there for me after ... ?

2008-10-12T03:39:00.001+08:00

So when you're near me darling can't you hear me S.O.S.?

Teehee

2008-10-12T03:33:00.005+08:00

Emotions run the gamut, everyone's lives are intertwined (or not), and there's always always this inadequacy.

Whatever happened to happiness (generally, for the whole world), or is that not possible? Who do we turn to? Equally fallible human leaders? The higher being that some believe exists? Music? Hallucinatory agents?

How? Tell me, when you pray to your respective Gods, does He give you an answer?

Just what are we supposed to do, exactly? Win at life - based on what? Material success. Social status. Emotional fulfillment (no matter how illusory?)? How is this possible why are we alive?

Pointlessly thinking too much. Oh, the whole existentialist theme - it's nothing new. Maybe I should read more.

2008-10-08T01:44:00.000+08:00

Generally and specifically, a desire to reconnect

I don't know what to do.

2008-10-07T21:36:00.002+08:00

My brother's watching Air Crash Investigation on National Geographic; it's really sad when you realise that all the stressful situations you're watching will end up in unavoidable disaster. :(

2008-10-05T23:02:00.004+08:00

THANKS, YOU GUYS

I woke up to the loudest surprise of my life! (Cos I was screaming so much) In no particular order, thank you SHIMZ, JIA EN, CHOONZ, AWDWEY (A CHAN), KWANPINGKAN, BENJAMIN POH, KEEEELLLLEEEEEE AIREN, KWAAAAAAAN LIIIIIIIING~~~~~~~~~~ and of course.... :) :) :) hey hannie :) :)

Thank you also to all the sweet bday messages, in no order again, YIBING, BRITTANY, SIHUI, HANNAH, SHEE SIANN, WEI TING, GEN, EILEEN, JIIIINXIE BABY, DANNIE, YUHUI, PAUL AND XINMIN!!!!

You guys are so sweet and you truly made my birthday special. Heartfelt thanks to everyone, words can't express how profoundly moved I am. Thank you so much.

2008-08-25T22:24:00.002+08:00

asdfasoiuaoeiru aoeuroauerauoeria hoohoohoo

H3's DONNNNEEEEEEE (John Donne?) Haaaahaaahaahahahaaaaaa Awdwey I love your hilarious comments they are so... hilarious. And some quite useful also la :D

2008-08-25T01:41:00.002+08:00

It's a childlike sweetness, unabashed,
we can finally cast aside our/your (oh horror) cynicism
And genuinely believe, this time

Amazing crinkly eyes! Please smile more

2008-08-23T22:23:00.003+08:00

Afghahsdfha I've been sitting here for five hours, I think, typing away at H3. It's going to be a miracle if I manage to stay within the word limit. Because I hate editing I keep trying to be concise and cutting down on my words and paragraphs. But it is just not possible I tell you. *WAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLL

Must. Stay. Positive.! ! ! Lucky I have a plumber ready to unblock any writer's block. Ear and asshole too. Kidding 8)

2008-08-22T00:08:00.001+08:00

Everyone's saying like Wednesday was the last day of school.

REALLY? Why do I feel like, no leh? Omg. And I haven't even finished H3 Lit. Omg. I shall finish it tomorrow. Omg.

2008-08-15T00:47:00.004+08:00

Omg a mood swing (in relation to previous post):

Suddenly I'm feeling very charitable to the cat, let's call him/her Jet (as in jet black). He/she's a poor thing really, bolting whenever I react extremely physically (jerking my whole body in fright). Jet's equally apprehensive of me and has so much more reason to be, I'm so much bigger.

Ugh but then again thinking about that penetrating, unsettling gaze..

2008-08-15T00:41:00.002+08:00

Shi Min will identify:

Nowadays I keep hearing very horrendous cat yowling outside my house. It's not the kind of soft peaceful purring or even friendly mews. It's yowling, as if it's in severe pain or fear.

Well guess what? The cat keeps invading my house. I have no idea how it gets in; probably because there's this gap under my house gate. And we have this set of sliding doors; sometimes we don't close the doors and rely only on the security of the outer grille as we need ventilation (the house gets stifling and hot at times). So I guess the cat squeezes through the gaps in the grille?

It's jet black. With big staring eyes. It's fucking scary (swearing here only to highlight the intensity of my reaction to it). Usually I'm okay with cats. But this invasion, coupled with the yowling and the blackness and its eyes - omfg

2008-08-13T22:44:00.002+08:00

Oh my god.

Look at what my very inaccurate handwriting analysis said, with regards to my letter 'y': (and it's not inaccurate in just this one aspect - it's totally inaccurate okay)

Something is incomplete in Ren Ying's life. She feels frustration relating to her physical needs and desires. Somewhere in her life there is some disappointment, non-fulfillment, and interruption. This is very likely to relate to Ren Ying's sexual needs.

omg wtf?

2008-08-10T23:43:00.001+08:00

Haha the commentator just called Yao Ming 'the walking Great Wall!'

2008-08-10T19:32:00.002+08:00

Is there a way I can sneak this quote from The Wasp Factory into my essay:

(Do read aloud!)

'Ma gurl-fren's leff me an ah feel like a bum,
Ah loss ma job an when ah wank ah can't cum...'

2008-08-10T18:55:00.004+08:00

My brother likes Highland's music; I'm not sure when he introduced their songs to me but I remember I liked (and still like) Solo Tu, which I once asked Seline to help me download (haha not sure whether she remembers).

Haha people are gonna think that weird music taste runs in my family. To each his own, all right?

Highland has a new album, Dimmi Perche and after listening to it (thrust eagerly into my hands by my brother) I feel that their music is a little formulaic and have also confirmed that I am a sucker for good melodies ( Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music scoffs people like me, who like our electronic music very much watered down by 'pop melodies'). I like two of the songs on the album especially - Dimmi Perche and Figlia De La Luna but the rest sound same old, same old. And Ave Maria is weird.

Anyway, my point in writing this entry?

1) Cos I'm struggling with too-long paragraphs in my H3 Literature essay and
2) I've been listening to Figlia De La Luna 30 times in a row.

Can you see the relevance? Haha. pointless post

2008-08-07T21:12:00.002+08:00

an elusive post!

Tomorrow Jia En and I will be the only ones to go to school for National Day. Hope it won't be as awkward as the time the rest of Sisterhood ponned PE and I was stuck with a very PMSY Shi Min :D (joking la heh.) Can feel Shi Min's hate vibes

I just watched Christian the Lion (lag reaction I know. that's what happens when I don't go online for 10923481903284 years). Awww I think I know why Mr Miles cried buckets - he's a sentimental softie who secretly likes the background song la... Iiaiaiiiiaiaii weell aaaalllwaaaays luuuurve yooohooooooooaoaooaoa

2008-07-10T20:55:00.003+08:00

I emo to techno. hahahahahaha

Specifically, Perfume's Ceramic Girl

It will blow your mind. because it's so awful. and so good to angst/run to ahahaha

Kidding la actually I do like Perfume

2008-07-10T14:44:00.002+08:00

It's been a long journey and I feel that we have gotten much closer (emotionally, definitely not physically as some people like to tease me). I've discovered the source of my (future) strength and happiness, and you made it possible. Thank you.

Life is surprisingly purposeful when you narrow down your focus. I am motivated to study! After I play Flatbread Express, that is. I'm rather good at this game. :D Try it it's not simple :D

polyloop

2008-06-27T23:53:00.001+08:00

The sight's so elusive that when it does appear, my heart skips.

I love it when you smile. But you don't usually.

2008-06-22T23:11:00.003+08:00

Oh God I have the weirdest taste in music. I love electronic music, where the instruments are synthesisers and emit the funniest (love!) beeps. The music feels like it can go on for eternity thanks to the never-ending beats and all the singers are on some form of helium crack.

Best of all, the lyrics (if I could understand them) don't make sense!

Yay

2008-06-13T00:50:00.003+08:00

Living vicariously
Through dreams and imagination
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh reaaaaaality

Sometimes I feel I'm really, really lucky. Now if only that feeling could remain constant. I know that I take things for granted and in the end it hurts everyone, especially me. I don't want to do that anymore.

Happy Friday the Thirteenth. Lucky lucky

2008-06-12T21:38:00.003+08:00

I wanted to catch Eugene Ionesco's Rhinoceros (12-13 June) (which is effectively, tomorrow). The theme is conformity versus the self, very relevant to what percolates through my head at times.

But unfortunately I think all the tickets are sold out? I don't know I can't book them through Sistic anymore.

:(

2008-06-08T21:17:00.005+08:00

The ThinkQuest competition results were released about a week ago and though we did not win, I'm glad for this opportunity, where we built a website to promote awareness of volunteering overseas and our work as Team C-Africa. The website hasn't been added to the ThinkQuest database yet but I will put up the link as soon as it is, and it can then be used to further this project!

C-Africa 2008 also left for Kenya about a week ago. Though we haven't had much contact with the batch of juniors going (everything was handled through Ping Kan and Ben Poh) and I wasn't able to send them off at the airport, I do hope that everything has gone relatively smoothly and they are able to learn as much as I did, one year ago. I will never forget that sense of purpose I had, during that journey - putting others before yourself and knowing that you are working for a good cause and seeing all the mutual happiness on both sides - it's a really rewarding feeling that I don't really encounter in my normal life. For a while I was shaken out of my usual apathetic and hesitant self and I learned important lessons from all the people I've met there - the amazing facilitators Matt, TK, Ros, Laban and their volunteerism; Leela and her firm determination with facing the challenges of setting up and managing a school in another country; the teachers of Buseko school; and last but definitely not the least, the exuberant, vivid, vibrant children. As Matt said, the people who come to give usually end up receiving more. I definitely agree.

6 June 2007 was the day when we convened at the airport to set off on this remarkable adventure and one year on the flurry of SMSes from C-Africans remembering the day also shows that we have all been profoundly impacted by our experience there. And I believe we will continue trying, in any possible way, big or small, to impact others.

crossing continents, making a difference

2008-06-06T01:03:00.003+08:00

On a more positive note, it was my parents' silver wedding anniversary today! (5th June, not 6th). We had a low-key celebration, just a nice dinner at Crystal Jade's rival, and they reminisced over their years of marriage - the most eventful being my siblings' and my childhood years. My parents aren't exactly the epitome of a perfect couple who understand each other seamlessly, they often quarrel due to personality differences, but they understand enough, enough to know that they love each other and this family and certainly after twenty five years of marriage they are secure about their shared life together.

Much love and happy conversations

as my brother said, here's to another twenty five more years

2008-06-06T01:01:00.001+08:00

Caught up with Yi Xin on Tuesday, we had really good meals and a good talk. We really should catch up more frequently and on a regular basis. I think I haven't been a good friend.

2008-06-02T01:40:00.002+08:00

It's not hard for me to refrain from judging, because I'm mostly apathetic anyway

What a horrible existence

2008-06-01T19:36:00.004+08:00

Just the other day I was unleashing my 'conformist/personal identity/one's own purpose' spiel on Hannie, and he had no clear answers. I don't think anyone would have answers to all these questions - they are so basic, so fundamental - that only people with spiritual enlightenment could possibly have an idea, I suppose.

Neal Asher, through his book Cowl, says 'true wakefulness hurt as no physical pain possibly could'.

And so we are blessed? with a blurry existence. I applaud people with such purpose and direction in their lives - maybe they genuinely have found it, I don't know. Me? I'll just have to settle for trying not to be pretentious.

2008-06-01T19:03:00.002+08:00

Continuing my slew of weird dreams:

I dreamt that we were back to secondary school days, i.e. JC-selves in Secondary School. Our classroom was Nanyang LT2 and Dannie didn't want to sit next to me. :(

Then I dreamt that I was back in my old home, the one I moved down the street from. There were a bunch of crackheads and stoner dudes camping on the road directly in front of my house, and while some were, as Alex would say, 'in the land', others were viciously violent. To my horror a ghastly looking girl from the group had broken into my house's fence and was in my garden. Then the whole group went crazy and ran amok breaking into other people's houses. It was around 3am. I called the police and Officer Chan didn't believe me, saying it wasn't his prerogative to arrest people (like, wtf?). I screamed into the phone saying something about how 20 people convening at night in unlawful assembly was flagrantly illegal, but he hung up on me. Another creepy thing about these people was how they were all munching on junk food. Imagine my terror when I went downstairs to make sure that all the doors were at least, locked, to see my brother, clearly having just came home, clutching a bag of Twisties. The door was unlocked and I went to close it. But the sliding doors were not. As I was sliding them shut, I heard eerie laughter and saw two of these demonic crackheads in the garden, with kohled eyes, flowy white robes and tousled hair grinning at me. I panicked, trying to get the damn things shut and then they started singing an eerie song...

2008-05-30T16:09:00.002+08:00

I had another weird dream! This time to do with Harry Potter. I alternated between being Harry and being myself. Dumbledore morphed into an evil guy and I 'Accio-ed' a "Gringotts" stone from him and was shouting things to him like, 'you told me this stone was bad now why do you want it so much?'

Then I became an animagus - this weird goat thing and then suddenly I was myself. I was clutching this crystal dagger and I was about to kill Dumbledore (who looked a lot, a lot like a certain Mr B) - and I was attending one of his talks and I had to not maintain eye contact with him because I was so sure he was going to recognise me...

Then I woke up and fell straight into another dream. About how I was one of two girlfriends and Brittany Khoo and Khoo Choon Yen were going to catch a movie together, because I saw the tickets with their names printed on them.

I think I need to sleep earlier.

2008-05-28T14:50:00.003+08:00

I had a really really bad dream. It started off innocuously, just me and a few friends (I think these were non-existent friends - there are no such people in real life that I know) on a vay-cay (as Christian Siriano puts it!) and checking into a random hotel room. First shock horror - the wardrobe was filled with other people's old, stinky clothes, no, not vintage. We were riffling through the clothes with distaste and then suddenly we were spirited away into a huge castle (my 'friends' disappeared and were replaced by my family, my real family and not any "dream-strangers") and held captive by a dragon. Something like the monster Horntail in Harry Potter, but worse. Everyone (Draconian Dragon had captured thousands other families) was imprisoned in these squalid little one-room apartment blocks and we had to use candles. Nobody was brave enough to shuffle out into the corridors to use the common bathrooms. It was all hush-hush and deathly quiet with only the sound of the dragon's flapping wings punctuating the air, and there was this stale, queasy smell (eu de dragon?) permeating the whole castle.

Later, my brother managed to slip out of the apartment. We were all worried sick, but thankfully he managed to come back. And then we took turns to use the bathroom. The corridors were all dark, with only the flicker of candlelight seen from the cracks in the doors. I had a rather sordid little trip to the bathroom, and returned only to see...

Draconian Dragon and another of his breed duking it out amidst flashes of lightning. Quite a spectacle; they were glowing phosphorescently, think the climax battle of Enchanted. Green and purple, green and purple. It was mesmerising, but also very, very scary.

Flash forward to the future. I'm walking with a friend when lightning streaks across the sky accompanied by a loud clap of thunder. We immediately squat, waiting for dragons to come...

Something tells me I feel very trapped right now. Lol

2008-05-25T15:04:00.002+08:00

The last day of Term2 was good, we went to Coca (Choons' idea) to eat steamboat buffet. (Read JE's LJ for more detaaaails)

And I (finally!) watched Iron Man yesterday. Was saving it to watch with my family (cos Dad grew up reading comics and he jumps at every superhero movie. We've got like Spider-Man, X Men, and The Fantastic Four (Marvel representatives!) and Superman and Batman Begins (DC!) DVDs at home). I liked the humour, it was really snappy and funny and Robert Downey Jr was all oozy charm as Tony Stark. Can't wait for the sequel.

2008-05-25T15:01:00.003+08:00

The heavens have just opened and yes... wash away all the stickiness of the days.

I'm getting closer and closer to knowing what I do not want to do when I grow up. But a process of elimination isn't exactly the best method for planning for the future.

To take place in the unconscious; no active thinking

2008-05-20T19:34:00.001+08:00

I need to stop the narrative entries. Lol

2008-05-20T19:29:00.003+08:00

My weekend in short:

1) Saturday - ELDDFS production with Yi Xin and Ningfei!
2) Sunday - PACE Party looooooooool. Speed Racer is such a cute show and do you know, that is the lead character's name? Like seriously. Mr. Speed Racer. Oooh and of course TAEJO
3) Monday - Vesak Day. Went to the temple in the morning, Hannie came over in the evening when my parents were fetching my sister to the airport, where she was sending off her German (boy)friend. We watched Gattaca. Thought-provoking, bittersweet show. He left early and then I had to do YLEP shizzzzz

Nope nowhere in all that did I manage to fit in studying for History MEGA TEST (as how it's written in my planner)

2008-05-20T19:25:00.001+08:00

My face feels like it's been weighed down all day, by imaginary clothes pegs clipped on the chin. My mouth is set in a permanent bulldog frown. Oh dear.

But I feel marginally better, having binged on my favourite milk sweets.

2008-05-08T00:01:00.000+08:00

Quote of the day:

Okay I was being my usual crude self (hey I'm actually demure and gentle inside okay. It's just that obscene stuff comes out of my mouth like, whenever. Okay nobody's convinced) and having this really interesting conversation with A. Chan aka Audrey Chan, we were cursing around and as usual she was giggling at my lacklustre attempts at swearing:

Me: F*** off
Audrey: *giggle*
Me: eh you c*** b** la
Audrey: You are so failure
Me: Shut up la. You c*** b** la. You have one right
Audrey: No.
Me: ?! YOU DON'T HAVE C*** b**.
Audrey: No. I got l** j***.

2008-05-05T21:03:00.003+08:00

Had a good talk with Yi Xin today, she's my best friend and best person to talk to because we share a lot of important fundamental views and being with her makes me feel more grounded, more level.

I'm in a pensive mood now (discounting that odd musing on milk sweets), but the thoughts aren't crystallising into words. They remain vague, half-formed sentiments.

Shall sleep on it.

2008-05-05T21:01:00.007+08:00

I would like to advertise

GALATINE tavolette al latte con Yogurt e Frutti di Bosco milk sweets!!!

I figured the Italian name would increase their attractiveness quotient. Because the last time I offered them around it took a lot of persuasion for people to accept them and another person said that they taste like goat's milk tablets.

Galatine sweets are really nice okay. I could eat like 10 at one go. I remember that I was first introduced to them in Africa, I think it was either Kwan Ling or Caryn? who were passing them around. Awesome.

Not convinced? read this la

2008-05-02T00:37:00.003+08:00

I understand now what Jia En meant by 'domestic bliss'.

Haha omg I just showered and there's a sheen of sweat layered over my skin. Hot and sticky and oh I hate the weather

2008-05-02T00:23:00.004+08:00

It is time...

For a descriptive blog entry!!

I successfully conned MsJiaEn into attending CSM with me (cos I didn't want to get any more demerit points that would cancel out my 4-hour-CS tomorrow and cos the probability of getting my parents to write a letter is zero and cos I am full of school spirit okay that was a lie) yay Jia En see how much I luvvvvv your company :D:D teehee and no CSM wasn't boring thanks to Hannie's body language book by Allan and Barbara Pease (quote Shi Min: 'Omg! I know them they always appear in a column in The Sunday Times). So now we all know how to seduce men - nonsense things like 'touch yourself', 'laugh over your shoulder' and 'coy upwards-looking smile'. Brittany attempted a three-in-one and I let loose my trademark horrible hysterical laughter which, if Shi Min were present, she would tsktsktsk at.

Jia En does a pre-org***** face rather well I am kidding.

Audrey Chan see how much fun you missed.

After that, to quote Brittany, she me Kylie and Choonzz piled into a cab for FEP. Mainly Brit and I were accompanying Kylie and Choons while they bought stuff. Was fun window shopping since I didn't spend any money haha. Brit left for CCA and I left the two shopaholics blearily looking for a place to sit and went to meet Hannie to catch Harold and Kumar. Omg because of that I totally got flashed a guy's down-there for the second time in my life (the first time was on an MRT with PC Shi Min) it was incredibly gross but funnily enough, Hannie was more squeamish ahahaha like he don't have like that.

*pause.

Tomorrow is Parents' Day and the CS-bonanza.

And I wish you didn't stay an hour away

2008-04-29T21:22:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting here squinting at a screen and listening to mindnumbing trance and I know I'm being escapist. Pretending I have no responsibilities (a friend pointed out that you are very free anyway what); things relegated to the backburner.

that's nothing compared to the emotional escapism.

2008-04-29T21:18:00.001+08:00

one two three four
this is a game of thumb war

five six seven eight...

Why don't we ever have enough space for all the people in our lives?

2008-04-22T22:37:00.002+08:00

I've been wanting to blog this for sometime but it always slipped my mind. I have abysmal memory, sorry.

Valentine's Day this year - someone gave me a Ne2twork $2 ice-cream voucher. But since I was sick on that day and never went to redeem it, I don't know who gave it to me. Sorry then if I never showed my appreciation! It's much appreciated, really. Thank you. :)

The following, too, is overdue:

13th April was 413's birthday but I couldn't go because I was celebrating Kelly's birthday! We planned this dramatic surprise that somewhat failed because a) storyline was too ridiculous b) I was laughing like crazy. But then again I think if I had faced that situation I would laugh too, because laughter is my defense mechanism. Anyway. It was really fun seeing the C-Africans again! Hoped Kelly enjoyed it. PACE party after Kwan Ling, Wei Ting and Caryn left (Sunday blues... must finish homework!) and we watched Rule Number One which is creepy - its scenes still resonate in my head, especially when I'm showering. Makes me not want to close my eyes even when I'm shampooing.

I wasted the whole day today - got home early but went straight to sleep. I remember sitting up in sleep-induced haze, spotting hae bee hiam on the coffee table and eating frenziedly. Gosh.

2008-04-21T22:50:00.001+08:00

Yi Xin's birthday surprise today! Yi Xin! Kenny and I hoped you liked it! :) Although it was pretty screwed up and didn't go as planned and the cake was mashed... I miss you lots, we must really spend time together soon.

Voicemail should stop miss-calling me, when I'm waiting for a call I really want to answer.

on the verge right now.

2008-04-20T22:59:00.002+08:00

my heart goes nana
and beep beep nana
my mind goes nana
oh no no nana

Haha, Kwan Ling !

2008-04-20T00:46:00.000+08:00

When your heart is full

2008-04-14T20:52:00.004+08:00

Life is a cycle. Never-ending, unbreakable cycle; immeasurable.

A flow.

Peaks and troughs and peaks and troughs and peaks and troughs - no use 'finetuning' now my dear, there never is complete control.

And so it would itty on to like the end of the world, round and round and round

2008-04-04T17:11:00.007+08:00

UGH I'm still worried about ThinkQuest website ugh ugh ugh ugh

Ugh

Ugh.

Today Jia En and I borrowed the Official SATs Study Guide. The cover has three crappy post-its now courtesy of Jia En, Audrey, and Ben Poh - ("RENYING LOVES JIAEN :)", "SISTERHOOD ♥s YOU! (NOT)", "(Han)dsome ♥s Me :) <3 muackz". Aiyoh Waste Paper. Looking at the SATs book makes me feel like... sleeping.

Shu Hui was good company during YLEP meeting! I feel like a schoolteacher with my bookshop-bought attendance book.

Anyway I'm on my imba sofa. Which is imba comfy. Maybe I shall watch TV. or read The Tempest.

Or organise Jap Occ notes!!!!!! :D:D:D:D

Ahaha I think the watch TV/inadvertently fall asleep option is the best. Haha I love weekends

Whoo look it's the integral sign! ∫
And an inverted question mark ¿
® for Ren Ying
♣ Pseudo cauliflower

2008-04-03T20:09:00.002+08:00

Sound is coming from a transistor radio outside my house; caterwauling which I initially mistake for weird prayer chants uttered in a drunken trance before realising they are actually English songs e.g. One Republic's Apologise.

2008-04-03T19:26:00.002+08:00

I feel excited suddenly about studying for my subjects; writing down 'finish SEA Jap Occ notes' and 'reorganise Econs' and thinking about The Tempest gives me a vague, mildly pleasurable buzz, a proud feeling of expectation and productivity.

Then I start thinking about Mathematics. To quote Desi, that's real shitty man.

I think I'm in a rare optimistic mood. Though I'm surrounded by money that isn't mine and accounts seem to be in a real mess.

Anyway,
Better start planning

2008-04-03T19:12:00.004+08:00

A feeling that

ignites you inside, warm and fuzzy emanating from the tummy
jolts the heart
continues to travel up -
visibly manifesting into a faint coy blush.

You gape as you are momentarily
breathless

I hope Mr Sng helped our group submit our website. I REALLY HOPE SO. OR I'LL FREAK OUT AND JUMP INTO THE SEA. or some other such drastic shit. omg.

2008-04-01T19:55:00.004+08:00

Something productive, for once

I am so proud of our C-Africa!/ThinkQuest Team (Kelly, Hui Ying, Si Ying, Chuan Han, Wen Rui!). An abandonment by Ping Kan and many months later, and our new baby is light, bright, sparkling (okay not quite) and ready to go. Couldn't have done it without every single one of you.

(Once it achieves permanency in the ThinkQuest server I'll post the link here. Yay C-Africa!)

2008-03-14T00:45:00.004+08:00

Then again, certain individuals remind me about how good the world can be. For that rare moment, I am lifted out of my drudgery and apathy and self-indulgence and am at peace, am contented, am happy.

The trouble only starts when I'm left to my own devices and my own head and when I mug vectors for six solid hours. One topic. Six hours. How productive.

2008-03-14T00:16:00.003+08:00

It scares me how I'm so sick of life yet I am willing to spend the whole day revising vectors. While tutting at my dad as he oohs and aahs at a Discovery Channel documentary about ways to prevent ageing (nonsense things like exercising your brain and body, drinking red wine and eating chocolate, and having copious amounts of good sex).

Me: Why would anyone want to live so long anyway? Why would you?
Dad: Because you can see the world revolving, advancing, and live through such technological revolutions and...

Oh, the wonder of humanity. Too Bad Then that I'm in my closed, shut-off little world, furiously (but aimlessly) mugging, still trying to figure out what my whole purpose in life is while others try on theirs for size. Studying hard to protect my sorry ass, because of just in case. So that my choices won't be restricted when I finally get down to deciding what I want to do.

So, Hannie, I really hope your vision turns out true.

This post is frighteningly defeatist and self-indulgent. Oh dear.

2008-03-10T21:44:00.003+08:00

I am increasingly apathetic. It feels scary.

Was that an oxymoron.

2008-03-08T18:37:00.003+08:00

Omg I remember my dream, I was eating luscious snowskin mooncake while smelling marshmallows. There were wet themepark rides and lots of strangers, and some kind of competition. The storyline was proving complicated so I gave up and woke up.

2008-03-08T18:34:00.003+08:00

Hannie's senior CCB is an absolutely rude asshole.

2008-02-27T21:01:00.003+08:00

Been telling everyone who asked that the angry rash on my legs is a result of love bites. Ha ha ha ha yeah right

Note to self: stop scratching, and stop eating hae bee hiam

2008-02-24T14:12:00.003+08:00

a mess of cosmic soup

I feel really empty.

2008-02-22T01:50:00.002+08:00

Not yet eighteen but ready to 'unlive'. Reduce me to what I came from, atoms and motes whirling into an eternal cosmic storm. I wouldn't mind such a freeform state, so don't craft me into something solid and existential.

Nyeeeeehhh I should just go sleep la. Haha

2008-02-22T01:21:00.004+08:00

I... forgot what I wanted to do.

Maybe I'm just a big ball of hypocrisy, rolling in (and therefore accumulating) the same shit day in day out. An amorphous sense of self which gets swallowed up all the time.

Then again it's 1.25am so it's probably just the sleep deprivation talking. I'm all right. Really.

2008-02-19T20:54:00.006+08:00

Bad conversation

A:
omg
A:
who are you calling a bitch
B:
lol guilty conscience

2008-02-19T19:35:00.001+08:00

I think, I am a bad friend.

2008-02-19T19:14:00.003+08:00

I love Pei Pa Kao

AND I HATE WRITING HISTORY ESSAYS, especially mega-imba ones with questions that compel my classmates to exceed 10 pages.

Typewritten. (And in the case of crazy adorable Si Hui, 32 freaking pages I'd be happy if I can hit five please)

My favourite part of doing any History essay is writing the bibliography

2008-02-15T16:08:00.003+08:00

I don't need the grand gestures

2008-02-11T01:51:00.001+08:00

My sister has every alternate Monday off from school.

Gah.

2008-02-09T18:43:00.000+08:00

Party Girl! click

Hehehe

2008-02-09T18:18:00.000+08:00

I am bored out of my mind.................

2008-02-08T17:28:00.000+08:00

Saving is just an expectation of future consumption.

2008-02-07T03:09:00.001+08:00

Then again my blog no interesting pics lorrrrrrr

Hahahaha shit I should get off the comp. Am I drunk? I drank like, one-sixteenth of Jolly Shandy I am damn lousy hehehe no maybe it's just sleep deprivation whoo whoo Happy CNY everyone don't get drunk

2008-02-07T03:06:00.001+08:00

Then again if people don't read my blog then so 'luzzer' hahaha

So blogspot where's the entry-lock option hahaha

Hahaha so funny

2008-02-07T02:59:00.001+08:00

Yi Xin what I regretted most was not being able to go out with you... haven't seen you in a really long while. But it's okay I understand.

2008-02-07T02:50:00.000+08:00

It's 3am so my parents should comfortably live to about a 100.

Reminders to self: (because I seem to check my blog more often than my notebook, which is deep in the depths of my inaccessible bag) Anyway all the activities on the list are no-life school-related stuff. Doesn't raise social value :p

1) ThinkQuest 10/2/2008
2) H3 Lit proposal 11/2/2008
3) History essay 15/2/2008
4) Somewhere along the way I need to find time for PandP essay
5) Not to mention settle YLEP CIP hours
6) And initiate the record on ISP for Kent Ridge Orientation Camp

Chinese New Year celebrations today was a blast, no less because I was late for half an hour and wore flipflops without knowing they weren't allowed (was late when they had the morning announcement for CNY attire la, sorry). Audrey Chan humji when Jia En and I decided to be spontaneous and carry classroom chairs to sit comfortably in the central plaza: she chickened out. So Jia En and I braved any potential ridicule (none, really) and felt like queens lording it over all our lowly subjects on the floor - kidding la. Mr Barnard seemed so proud of us and even wished us gong xi fa cai. But anyway people kept flocking to the front during popular segments like wushu and magic act and whatever so our view was blocked gah. Choons took a long time to come down from mandarin-orange-feasting but no matter, cos we had lovely Yuhui join us (when she wasn't with OAC).

Then there was the street market thing where Jia En Audrey Choons Qian Ling and I went around stuffing our faces. We bought the most things from Council I think - Shimz's nuggets + cups of bubble tea.

Then we had yusheng, which was disastrous for Mr M and P.

Then Jia En and I danced mass dance ho ho so enthusiastic.

Actually I wish people wouldn't read this blog because I'm intensely private and don't want people to know what's going on in my life but I can't write it down in private journals cos like I said my handwriting sucks. Gah and I have notorious short-term memory so I can't keep it all in my head. Associative memory guys - associate memory with one word that would trigger off the rest of it. Oh ho ho what ho, ho ho ho

3.02am and I'm delirious man. Needs sleep. Tomorrow I'll collect hongbao then come home and do ThinkQuest. Yeah manz.

2008-02-05T19:00:00.000+08:00

I want to friendslock my blog but it's lousy blogspot.com hahahaha

Private journals are best written down but my handwriting sucks. Mundane stuff so far the truckload of work is certainly taking its toll but hooray for afternoon naps and late night marathons

I'll surely pay in old age.

2008-01-28T16:31:00.001+08:00

Other people's approbation do not matter

Self-deluded.

Econs test H3 Lit ThinkQuest GP essay I'd better get a move on

2008-01-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

Nostalgia part 2: Auds with Cheryl! hahaha ohman.

I saw this ex-classmate's MSN nick today: indulging in looking back means you can't see where you're going.

But where am I going?

Edit: Maybe reminiscing is only reserved for those really old people, people who've lived out a decade, or five or six, in their lifetimes. Hahahaha now I sound ageist (was unintentional). What I mean is that looking back and reflecting are probably only useful to those who have lived a full life.. seems like I ended up substituting age for experience.

2008-01-25T01:21:00.000+08:00

I don't want soooomebody to love me
just give me SECKS wheeenever I want it
Cos all I ask for is instant pleasure; instant pleasure instant pleaaaaasure

Kidding :)

2008-01-23T16:16:00.000+08:00

Nostalgia strikes:

Suddenly I miss my secondary school life more than ever. Where I diligently did math homework everyday and it wasn't painful to do so. The classroom felt really warm and cosy and there were always people hanging around to talk to. Where Angel was my wonderful lab partner and once I stupidly made a joke out of her sending various lab equipment to... was it Tego?? OH no can't remember :( Shawn would squirt distilled water into her mouth and have water fights with either Joan or Samantha. Yi Xin burnt hair off her arm!! hahahaha and I had a chemical stain on my white hongzi and tried to hide it by blanco-ing the spot during a particularly boring SS lecture (didn't work).

Yi Xin and I had a tickling fight once and we were grovelling all over the floor I was so happy hahaha

Going to school everyday was really fun because I'd be certain to see dear Dannie (table partner no. 1) and XIIIIN MIN (table partner no. 2) and I would scream DANNIE and she would errrrr me and I would scream XIIIIIN MIN and she'd just look at me like I'm loony. Our teachers were really cute and I had a crush on a certain someone; Yi Xin and I convulsed about her once but the joke's too sick to repeat here.

... There are so many more memories but suddenly I don't want to continue this entry. No point looking back la such carefree days are all over.

2008-01-23T15:06:00.001+08:00

I hope they schedule CS soon I have a ton of points to clear. :(

2008-01-23T14:45:00.001+08:00

DRINK WATER!!!!11

Afternoon naps will be my downfall.

2008-01-20T01:15:00.000+08:00

You are very thoughtful. Thank you.

2008-01-20T01:07:00.001+08:00

Maybe it's a good thing that my house doesn't store many snacks.

I shall work hard for History tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish CIP hours needn't be endorsed. Double-edged sword really: ensures that people aren't bullshitting when they claim they have been doing CIP, but also reduces the main incentive of CIP to merely getting hours. But that's not to say that there aren't many many many (countless) people who do get involved out of altruistic intentions. Still, also quite mafan for those who have to go seek the endorsement for others too la (i.e. me). Stupid complicated Hwa Chong ISP proposal whatnot whatever system. Hurhurhur

2008-01-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

I'm itching. Sneezing.

2008-01-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

Low threshold for stress

2008-01-08T01:05:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since I really felt so happy; Yi Xin and Hui Jin and their warm wonderful funny loving company made me feel very... there's no other word for it, happy, and blessed. All my usual fears and paranoia and nagging worries were suspended and I was carefree again believing that the world would be all right, things would work out for everyone in the end. Happy endings!

We must meet up again soon!!!!!!!!!!! Albatross burger and stupid blind and naked men hahahahahahaha and giving up ALL the bus seats and a colourful colourful movie ooo~

I really love you guys!

2008-01-06T18:46:00.000+08:00

i am feeling like crap this sucks cat form due tomorrow i don't know where i want to go what i want to do? i'm like a waste of space can't get anything right, or even done omg should not have woken up today anyway i had a nightmare, as usual, there was a serial killer in my dream and shi min died, but she got revived, i dont know how, but im glad she did, she told me that there's an afterlife beyond death.

2008-01-06T17:53:00.000+08:00

I am frustrated, the essay is going nowhere, and I'm actually thinking of doing another question, when I've spent so long on trying to nail the introduction.

I am really frustrated.

2008-01-05T16:16:00.000+08:00

I met up with Angel, Hui Hong and my dear Dannie on Thursday haha. I got reminded of how light and happy secondary school days were. Perhaps it's a good thing that reminiscences of the past tend to be of things that were pleasant. Hui Hong had training though so we left Coro early; didn't have anything in Hwa Chong that I wanted to show Angel and Dannie so we decided to go NJ to see if Yi Xin had finished school and find Pong. We ended up going to Nanyang first to pee, then we met Yi Xin! But I think she was going home so, yeah. Walked around a bit but didn't manage to see Pong so in the end we all went home. I waited with Dannie for a really long time for her bus, and got reminded of all those crazy times me and Yi Xin stood at the bus stop (for one, two, three? hours) simply people-watching. Aaaaahhh

It's a Saturday afternoon and I feel so lazy, doesn't help that Microsoft Word is open at 'P&P essay' and remains essentially stuck at the introduction. Damn.

2008-01-03T01:05:00.000+08:00

Hahaha crap I'm feeling extremely horrible and emo I should just go sleep now

Little Bo Beep has lost her sheep
Humpty dumpty had a great fall
Jack fell down and broke his crown (of his head)
Three blind mice;

Nursery rhymes are sadistic.

2008-01-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

Release valve, the dread eased somewhat and so I could get through the next day because of you, thank you.

It's near one and yet I'm contemplating resuming the gargantuan task of compiling History notes. Miles said we should start planning a study schedule in June. I SAY NOW, PEOPLE! hurhurhur

I have long self-conversations in my head, they make me feel insane.

First day back wasn't as bad as I dreaded; I'm proud to say I managed to not be late. I know punctuality is very important so it's going to be my (only) resolution this year, to not be late for school ever, I don't usually make resolutions anyway. Thanks Ping Kan for the Christmas card and sisterhood, and Kelly for the very very very apt biscuits hahaha! Otherwise, school was school, people were totally feeling the studious mood, but Audrey Jia En and I bummed around in LT5 and later in the canteen (with Choons assiduously working away on her laptop and Shi Min council-ing) and... people-watched. What a productive start to the year. Damn.

There are things I really want to say to someone but (in the words of another) I can't seem to spit it out. Ha.

2008-01-01T22:20:00.001+08:00

I'm suffering from clammy hands and feet and an overwhelming feeling of dread, dread, dread.

PHWOARRRRRRRRRR MUST BE POSITIVE. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2008-01-01T22:14:00.000+08:00

Most days I try really really hard to be a good selfless daughter (maybe this is an indication of how forced and unnatural it is. No, it's just that today I'm not in the best of moods) but now I feel very annoyed and it shames me that it's over something trivial. Ha, how indulgent. But I really want to watch The Aviator while my dad insists on watching the news, CHINESE news, which he doesn't even understand.

And my parents are clucking their tongues in self-righteous distaste at the TV. God.

2007-12-31T18:15:00.000+08:00

She lounges around house in carefully-picked clothes, as if expectant for a visitor, a visitor that never comes

What a worrying thought. 2008 just around the corner. If there's one thing that personifies me completely and constantly, through all the haze and confusion of my inner-self, that would be a worrisome state of mind and immense self-doubt. If 2008 is going to be a repeat of 2007... aaaaagh.

If only they sold confidence in bottles; glass bottles, like those old Coke ones, where it's relatively hard to take off the cap and so while you're struggling, anticipation builds up.

I keep doing a mental catalogue of my life, these days. As if trying to prove something, something I don't even know. But since when is everything merely the sum of its parts?

I miss people, a whole lot.

2007-12-30T18:52:00.001+08:00

A life of responsibility is what I would like to have; correct me if I'm wrong but every single person does have this need to feel useful, to be meaningful, in any way. Significant on their own respective terms.

2007 has been useful for me, but painfully so. A lot of self-doubt and questioning and weak succumbing to paranoia and other hysterical emotions. But through all these I managed to filter and realise issues that are important to me, and a lot of other matters (mostly social) that make me uncomfortable but I have the power to ignore.

An optimistic attitude and oodles of determination should get me through the new year. And then, graduation and the big bad adult future. With a whole load of responsibilities.

Sometimes I feel like I'm putting my foot in my mouth.

2007-12-27T14:18:00.000+08:00

I'm in Malaysia! Back to visit the relatives (Dad's the Malaysian). He always seems really happy whenever we come back here; it's like he's a small boy again.

2007-12-25T02:27:00.000+08:00

I think, I don't know how lucky I am. So why am I still dissatisfied, in some undefinable way?

My hands are trembling.

I like eating buttered toast. Because the butter melts and then it gets really oily. Yum. Oh yeah. I haven't been doing any physical activity for the whole year, much less the holidays. Hahaha. Anyway. Though it's really plain and nothing remotely delish or gourmet, I think I still like bread and butter after all. Maybe that's because I'm a kitchen klutz. But I know the right settings to make the perfect toast using the mini-oven.

Lovely Complex was a really cute show but it reminded me to think about my future. Like, you know, what I want to do after school and university. Whether I have the sufficient gumption and attitude to be, well, good at life. I think I'm really afraid to think about all these issues but... deadline's looming. If this was an exam, I'd be forced to be a school dropout. Ha.

Merry Christmas! You (largely) secular occasion, you

2007-12-23T23:06:00.001+08:00

I miss you